When someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, the instinct to help can feel overwhelming. You may feel helpless, frustrated, or even afraid that intervening could make things worse. But offering the right kind of support can be life-changing, helping your friend move towards safety without increasing their risk.
This guide explores how to support someone you love in escaping an abusive relationship while preserving their dignity, independence, and emotional well-being.
Understanding the Complexities of Abusive Relationships
Before stepping in, it’s important to recognise that abuse isn’t always physical. It often includes emotional manipulation, financial control, coercion, and psychological intimidation. Before you try to help, please learn to understand to identify the most common warning signs for abusive relationships. Many victims stay because they fear losing their home, struggling financially, or being unable to protect their children. Others are terrified of what might happen if they try to leave.
One of the most harmful misconceptions is that the victim should be the one to leave. In reality, it should be the abuser who is held accountable and removed. Some countries, such as Australia, have programmes like “Staying Home Leaving Violence,” which allow survivors to stay in their homes while the perpetrator is made to leave. But in many cases, leaving is the safest and only option. If that’s the case, careful planning is essential.
How to Help a Friend Escape an Abusive Relationship
The first and most important thing you can do is listen without judgement. If your friend opens up to you, don’t pressure them to leave straight away or criticise their decisions. Most victims of abuse already feel guilt, shame, or self-doubt, and they need to know they are believed and supported. Simply saying, “I believe you,” or “You don’t deserve this,” can be incredibly powerful.
Leaving an abusive partner can be the most dangerous moment for a victim, so safety has to come first. Encourage your friend to create an escape plan. This might include deciding where they would go, packing an emergency bag with essentials like documents and money, and having a code word or signal to let you know when they need help. Keeping a record of abusive incidents, such as messages, voicemails, or photos of injuries, can also be useful if they later seek legal protection.
It’s also crucial to let your friend make their own choices. Abuse takes away a person’s sense of control, and even well-meaning advice can feel overwhelming. Instead of telling them what to do, help them explore their options and reassure them that they are not alone. If they feel ready, offer to go with them to the police, a lawyer, or a support service. But if they’re not ready, respect their timing.
Encouraging professional support can make all the difference. While your emotional support is invaluable, trained professionals can offer guidance in high-risk situations. You can help your friend find a domestic violence helpline, a safe shelter, or a trauma counsellor. If they feel overwhelmed, offer to look up resources, make a call with them, or even go to an appointment together.
Another key step is to shift the focus onto the abuser. Instead of asking, “Why doesn’t she just leave?”, society should be asking, “Why isn’t he stopped?” If your friend is ready, support them in seeking legal protection, such as a restraining order, or reporting the abuse to the police. If they choose to stay in their home, practical security measures such as changing locks, installing cameras, or reinforcing doors may help them feel safer.
Be Patient With Your Friend
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a straightforward journey. Your friend may take steps to leave, then hesitate or change their mind. They may go back to their abuser, feeling torn between fear and hope that things will change. It’s painful to watch, but your ongoing support can make all the difference. Keep checking in, even if they pull away, and remind them that you are there whenever they are ready to take the next step.
Looking after yourself is just as important. Supporting someone through abuse can be emotionally exhausting, and it’s natural to feel frustrated or powerless at times. Setting boundaries, reaching out to support groups, and reminding yourself that you cannot control their choices will help you be a steady source of support in the long run.
If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please know that help is available. By offering compassion, understanding, and practical support, you can play a vital role in helping them move towards a safer, more secure future.
About the Author
Robert Kaiser is the founder and CEO of PPSS Group, a personal safety for women expert, and the author of NEVER A VICTIM, the most comprehensive guide to women’s safety ever written. This 516-page resource is designed to help women trust their instincts, recognise threats, and take proactive steps to protect themselves from violence.
For over three decades, Kaiser has dedicated his career to understanding and preventing violence against women. His research, shaped by countless conversations with survivors, offers deep insights into the behaviours of perpetrators and how to identify warning signs before violence occurs.
His work is driven by one fundamental belief: women’s safety is non-negotiable.
